Chris you are WRONG!

So during an epic Facebook conversation in an attempt to hide a wall post from someone's mother by filling up our friend's wall with so many other wall posts it disappeared from the main page thus stopping her from stumbling onto it when she logged in and getting mad at said friend for posting such a thing on Facebook *deep breath* I was told I could not have my cookie and eat it to.

I begged to differ.

The following video is the result of all this commotion combined with the fact I am up at 1:48 am because I can't sleep knowing my poor cat-baby is still lost somewhere in the pouring rain suffering from poisoning.

My voice amuses me. Yes I am kiwi hence the accent, if you can't understand me I will email you a word by word transcript so as to achieve full viewing pleasure.

I apologize in advance ladies if your men suddenly decide to leave you because they are so over come by my sexy cookie eating face. Men, the same apology applies.

Thank you and goodnight/morning

Fanta+chocolate ice cream = spider/float?

Yeah I know it's weird but I tried it and hey it wasn't that bad.
I needed something to cheer me up.
My cat has been missing since Saturday morning and it's now Monday afternoon.That's two whole days.
I looked in the old dog house because he started sleeping in there since our dog died and found the sleeping bag had been half pulled out and there was this awful mess inside... the kind of mess a cat leaves after being poisoned.

So I'm kind of terrified for the life of my fur child. It doesn't look good.

Half of me thinks maybe he's been caught by the Samoans next door and now they're going to eat him.
The family moved in a few months ago and within a week there were about 20 people who all seemed to be living in the house. This is a 3 bedroom house. Then, once the house was full, they started putting people in the garage. Now they also have a dog who just had 4 puppies. One of the puppies went missing and they claim it was stolen. But when you let them wander all over the place without collars or supervision and don't put a gate on your property it's not exactly a huge mystery as to what could've happened. My cat has always been terrified of them, since they moved in he's started jumping at his own shadow.

The other half of me thinks he's been locked in my other neighbour's garage or trapped in her crazy hoarder lady house. She hates cats and used to have a couple dozen birds in cages in her garage which naturally Frei was fascinated with. He used to go over and watch them, he'd never try to hurt them cos he's terrified of birds, but try telling that to a lady who spends all her time talking to birds. This same lady has to sleep on the couch in her lounge because all three bedrooms in her house are so full of crap that she can no longer get into them. She can't cook anymore because her kitchen is so full of crap that it covers the oven and the table and her benches. She wont answer the door to anyone because 1)she doesn't want people to see the inside of her house and 2) she's convinced she'll be robbed/stabbed/something else horrid if she opens the door to a stranger. These facts often lead me to question her sanity. Also she looks how you would expect and insane person to look.

Nana went through a phase of trying to be the good Samaritan and help Margaret but it had no effect other than making our lounge smell like Margaret. Apparently she saw two ladies go up to Margaret's door the other day. Nana says she's been having strokes.

So either my cat is being eaten by big brown foreigners who treat their on pets like crap, which leaves little hope for anyone else's or he's been trapped/poisoned by a crazy bird loving hoarder lady who could be dead from a stroke in her own house and no-one would be able to find her because of all the junk she hoards. That last sentence may sound harsh but it's true.

I'll keep you guys updated and hope that I find him.

Here's a photo of my fur baby so y'all can see just why I miss him, look at that gorgeous face.

I learned how to crash start a car!

Ok normally when you learn to drive your parents teach you things like how to change a tire and how to measure/change the oil.

 One thing my Dad missed out was how to crash start a car should I find myself with a dead battery. Admittedly I drive an automatic so not necessarily the most important thing to know BUT still helpful.
                                                                                                                          
 Last night however, I got a crash course in crash starting a car.

I went out for a drive last night with my friend Jason. We went to The Warehouse cos I needed some cheap random items to finish my Zydrate gun (http://www.cosplay.com/photo/1961223/).
At the check out I decided I was suddenly starving so we went to our favourite fish ad chip shop then parked up on the foreshore to devour our meal.

 For those of you unfamiliar with Wellington, NZ here's the kind of view you get from Petone Foreshore aka The Esplanade http://www.flickr.com/photos/anakiwa_forever/513214668/ that's just one shot.                                            
                                            
 So we were sitting listening to Pendulum enjoying our feast of chips and fanta and chatting about anything that came to mind, as you do at 9 o'clock on a Thursday night.                                                                                                                                                                                                                
It started getting late and Jason had work in the morning so we decided it was home time.               
Jason turned the key to start the car but nothing happened.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  
 At first I thought he was joking round "I'll take you home now *fakes starting car* or will I?"                  
I was wrong.                                                                                                                                          
                    
Jason "Guess what?"                                                                                                                              
Me "Uh, you're hungry?"                                                                                                                    
Jason "I think I have a flat battery"                                                                                                          
Me "You do?But wait, how is the radio still going?" (I'm a girl and don't understand much about cars)
Jason then turns off all the electronics and gives the key another hopeful turn.                                       
Lucy (the car) gives a very sad sounding "hu-plurgh" sort of noise which translates to "I love you guys and I'm trying really hard but I don't think we're going anywhere right now"

Jason then pulls out his wallet and grabs hish AA card to call Roadside Assistance to get them to give us a jump start.

What followed was about half an hour of Jason proving his identity with a stupid amount of security questions then us trying very hard to find some sort of landmark to identify whereabouts on the very large stretch of road we were.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   
Phone Operator "Can you give me your full name and date of birth please"
                         "Ok now you home phone number?"                                                                             
                         "Cool and your home address?"                                                                                    
                         "Now your cell phone number?"                                                                                    
                         "What make is the car?"                                                                                              
                         "And the licence plate of your car?"                                                                            
                         "And whereabouts are you?"                                                                                  
Jason "We're on Petone Esplanade"                                                                                                      
P.O "Which end?"                                                                                                                                   
Jason "Uh.. the east end..."                                                                                                                    
P.O " Are you near the traffic lights?"                                                                                                    
Jason " No uh... we're just up from... um... I think it's Waione Street? *turns to me* I'm just going for a walk"
                                                                                        
He disappears for awhile to try and find some sort of thing to identify our exact location and after a few minutes comes back still on the phone looking highly exasperated                                                                                                                                                                                                             
P.O " Ok so someone will head out to help you, it could be about 20 minutes away, or it culd be up to an hour"                                                                                                                                                
Jason,as patiently as possible "...Thank you...."
                                                                                                                                                
He turns to me with a look I would call devious in any other situation and asks
"Have you ever crash started a car before?"                                                                                                                              
Me "uh... not from the driver's seat?I mean, I helped push the car for Dad once way back..."            
Jason "Wanna learn?"
Me "uhmmm not really but I mean... I don't wanna wait for an hour"
Jason "It's real simple, jump in the driver's seat and I'll teach you"
                                                    
I was aprehensive straight away.Not because of my driving abilities, I'm an excellent driver. But because of the sheer size difference between myself and Jason's 800kg Honda.

Took a couple minutes to move the seat far enough forward for me to be able to reach the pedals even then I had to shimmy right to the front of the seat.
                                                                                                                                                    
Jason "Right, you can reach?"                                                                                                              
Me "Uh... yep!"                                                                                                                                       
Jason "Ok.Here's what you gotta do, put your foot on the clutch"
Me *puts foot on clutch* "Kay"                                                                                                         
Jason "Now, into first."                                                                                                                          
Me "oookay!"                                                                                                                                         
Jason "Now this is the important bit, when I say NOW you take your foot off the clutch then put it straight back on and hit the brakes at the same time, ok?You gotta push the clutch as far as it'll go."
Me "Uh, kay..." *starts pooping myself a little"
Jason "Right, you've got to steer now, take the hand brake off"
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            
So Jason starts pushing the car backwards and I try to steer while very aware that I can't see what's behind me cos Jason's shoulder is blocking the wing mirror and the internal mirror is too high for me to use.
(I'm only just realising how potentially illegal our actions were...)
                                                                                                                                                                                                              
Suddenly Jason yells out "Brakes!"                                                                                                        
So I hit the brakes harder than I meant to, his brakes work much better than mine.                          
Jason leans into the car "You ready?"                                                                                                     
Me "Uh..."
                                                                                                                                            
I didn't have time to answer cos Jason then said "Take her out of gear"                                                
I obeyed and he started pushing forward "On the clutch, into first"                                                        
I obeyed again and waited with my foot on the clutch, adrenaline starting.                                            
Jason yells "Now!"                                                                                                                                     
So I do as he''d instructed and bam Lucy shudders slightly then starts purring away like a kitten.    
Jason leans back in beaming at me "You did it!"                                                                                  
I replied with a massive smile which basically translated to "I didn't screw up!YAY!I am awesome!"

                          
                                                                                                                                                                  
It wasn't til he was back in the driver's seat that Jason pointed out the very expensive looking Subaru that we would've crashed into had I screwed it up and the equally expensive looking vintage car behind us which had cause him to yell out "Brakes!" earlier while reversing.
                                                                                                                                                                          
We called the AA back saying we wouldn't need them anymore and headed to my place.                  
Lucy must've been glad to get started again cos the whole way home she felt like a dream ride.    
We got to mine and Jason pulled up and said " I wont walk you to the door cos if I leave Lucy we may not get her started again"
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  
I got inside excited to share my accomplishments only to find no-one was home. So I told the Facebook world by updating my status instead. And of course by making this blogpost n_n

Job hunting is depressing.

I apologize in advance for this post as it will be a little meh. For I am feeling rather meh.
I've been job hunting for almost 2 months now. I started a few weeks before my contract ended at Access Radio with the hopes I'd go straight from that into another job.
So far I have applied for every single job that looked like it was something I could do for a living.
Only one application has led to an interview and I got a call from them this morning saying "We ad upwards of 80 people and your interview was very impressive *misleading pause* however you were the second choice and we have given the position to someone else. We have some full time positions coming up shortly and do encourage you to apply for those"
Well that's great but remember the part in my application where I said "this part time position is ideal for me as it fits nicely around my current hours of study" ?
Yeah.

Every time I get one of those rejection emails with the professional mock sympathy I just die a little inside.
It starts off this horrible spiral of self confidence despair.
I begin to get all existential and start questioning the validity or point of my life.
What's the point of it all? Work my butt off for someone who doesn't appreciate me to pay for a bunch of stuff other people say I need and have some kids and tell them that they need to do the same thing to be considered normal and then I die.

Then I have a mini wake up call and realise that I hate most customer service people because they are retarded and can't do their job properly and I think heck, if those idiots can do it, so can I!
So I apply for a couple dozen more jobs only to be met with the same email time and again and I begin to doubt in myself once again but this time questioning my ability to do the simplest of tasks. What is it that makes me so unemployable? What vital social skill am I lacking that makes me undesirable in the workforce?
Oh God, what necessary part of my brain did you miss out when putting me together? Why don't you want me to have nice things?

I go through all these steps over and over again and slowly find myself further and further down the unemployment induced spiral until I feel like I should just give up and lie in bed forever because that is so much simpler than trying to function in society.
But I have too much pride to do that. I continue doggedly applying for anything that doesn't require a degree or some form of technical qualification in the hopes someone will find something they decide they can pay me for and I do it all at some horrendously inhumane hour of the morning which shouldn't even exist as far as I'm concerned.

I thought today I could go into costume making for a living, I do pretty well at making costumes for myself. The main issue would be mass producing the damn things.
Also I would be totally crap at running my own business cos I'd constantly forget to pay tax and stuff like that.
There is one tiny ray of hope in all of this, my friend just sent me a link on Facebook to a "Video Blogger" position that is basically all the things I did at Access Radio but in front of a camera instead. I could totally do that!

Fingers, toes,, tongue and eyes crossed.

I'm sorry that last part was a lie, I can't go cross-eyed.
But that, my dears, is a tale for another day!

Letters-Volume 1.

Disclaimer:This is no way an original idea.Letters to objects came from Allie's blog and I'm just too lazy today to come up with something original haha Shadap.

Dear Leg thief,
I have no idea who you are. But next time you decide to steal my legs and run a marathon with them in my sleep how about you stop (hammertime!) and use your own damn legs! I really don't appreciate waking up in the morning feeling like I climbed the Empire State Building stairs in the night. I now can't do anything requiring the use of my thighs as the feel like jelly.Very sore jelly.
Cheers,
Jepha's thigh muscles.

Dear Mr Mallows
Please stop tasting so damn good. You're sugary delciously mushy mallow goodness is going straight to my gut. My pudginess does not need any help existing, it's doing very well on its own.I miss my size 9 jeans (Americans that's about size 4 or 6.)
Thanks.
Jepha's tastebuds and belly.

Dear piece of ribbon thast fell off my bra last night,

How the hell did you manage to stay attached to my boob AFTER I removed my bra and threw it in the washing pile? I shat myself 3 times over when I discovered you because I thought you were a daddy long leg spider!

  

How was I to know you were just a piece of decoration that fell of my skin coloured bra?

You suck.

Seriously.

Dear Blogger,

Why on earth do you assume that I want to type from the center of the page after inserting a picture? Did it not occur to you that perhaps the act of inserting a picture did not mean I wanted to change the alignment of my text?Perhaps this act simply is an attempt to attach a comical picture to break the lines of otherwise unattractive text?

Sort your shit Blogger, sort it.Or else.

Or else the text bunnies will come for you in the night and eat your thumbs so you can't send any txt messages.Then you'll be forever cursed with the inability to txt or open jars or certain doorhandles. You'll never be able to join the cool kids playing pea-knuckle. These consequences can be avoided Blogger, it's your choice.

Yours textually,

Jepha.

Dear Bed,

You are amazing. Don't change a thing.

Actually, strike that, it would be cool if you changed your sheets every couple of weeks. Otherwise you might get smelly. Nobody wants that.

Yours with warm squishy love,

Jepha

Dear Dressing Gown Sleeves,

Why are you so intrusive? I seriously can't take you anywhere. I either have to sacrifice my ability to have warm arms in order to accomplish anything requiring the use of my hands or just sit there like a bloody muppet and not do anything. Neither of these are ideal outcomes. Is it really necessary for you to be so large? I only have very tiny arms so would it not be sensible for there to be versions of you with skinny arms so that you don't envelope everything in your path each time I reach for stuff?

Something to think about.

Dear Readers,

don't hate me for stealing Allie's awesome ideas. I'm on mid term break and have therefor retired my brain until September

Muchos Gracias.

ps here's a picture to bribe your silence

*UPDATE* 

Dear Nana,

Thank you for the awesome cookie you brought home for me and I'm sorry his gum drop nose fell off before I could snap this picture. You are awesome Nana. We like you, you can stay.

I found an awesome teapot!

How freaking neat is that?!

So yeah I went op shopping with my Nana and found this wicked tea pot masquerading as a doughnut haha.

"Why on earth were you going op shopping and why prey tell did you buy a tea pot?" you ask, well!

My 21st is coming up on Sept 9th so I'm having a themed party on the 11th.

The theme is Burlesque Masquerade Wonderland. I wanted something I could go way over the top with but couldn't pick just one of those so combined all three.

The tea pot comes in with the lay out of the thing.

I'm going to have the hall set out like a giant version of the Mad Hatter's Tea Party and have lots of tables and a tea set at each one with cocktails in tea pots for everyone to drink.

Now, I can't have just any tea pots at a Mad Hatter party, can I?

No. I can not.

For it would not be the same, dear readers!

The best part about the Mad Hatter set up is that none of the cups match their saucers and none of the doilies match and there's funny coloured tableclothes and the tea pots are all kinds of crazy shapes and sizes.

Hence my immediate love for the above tea pot which I got from the Te Amonga Hospice store in Petone today for $10 (for you yankees that's about $5 US,Europeans, about 3 pounds)

I spent about $200 on supplies including (but definitely not limited to) tea pots, tea cups, doilies, streamers, crazy string, tableclothes, balloons, flower petals and other sprinkle-able confetti type stuff.

I am yet to confirm a venue for the party. But this is a small hiccup in my otherwise immaculate planning.I figure there's no point having a venue if you don't have decorations! Gosh!

I may even have free music, a friend of mine has recently discovered a love for dj-ing ad is therefor pretty keen to showcase his skills at any possible opourtunity.His one condition is I supply his alcohol. I think I can handle this simple request.

I had a Kate moment today when I discovered someone I had never met had decided to hit "Attedning" on the Facebook event page for my party. Luckily I noticed before it got anymore than one person. 

I'm so glad I added the "If I don't know you, you will not be allowed in" disclaimer to the event description.

Oi Vey.

INSERT RANDOM TANGET HERE!

I ran out of things to say about my party but didn't feel this post was long enough to publish so I figured random tangent time. Afterall, if you're a follower of a blog and there's a noteable gap from one post to the next, you want each post to be fairly significant to a) make up for your lack of new reading material between posts   and   b) give you more stuff to re-read should the worst happen and there be too long a wait between posts.

I've been waiting for Allie to put a new post up on Hyperbole And A Half since the 11th.Agh!

It feels like forever! I finally caught up on all the archive stuff and now I just can't find anything else to fill the void.Nothing quite matches the epicness of Allie's blog. She is a whole different kinda awesome.

She should seriously start paying me for all the shameless plugging I do for her blog....But no, the world is not quite that awesome.

However, the world is awesome enough to give me a gorgeous day of non-stop sunshine but and hold off the rain until I was curled up in bed with my electric blanket on and my cat snuggling me warmly. 

It's currently bucketing down outside and I'm all cosy in bed with the duvet (comforter) pulled up to my chin n_n This is helped greatly by my Dad's awesome decision to get wireless broadband so I can have 20gig a month of wireless goodness from wherever in the house I want. Should I get adventurous I can also go all the way to the back of the yard and still get it, yay!

Heaven help those poor bastards stuck using dial up, or without internet at home.

I can just tell I'm going to get all sorts of hate mail now "There are people in the world who don't even have a roof over their heads or food to eat or clothes to wear and there you are saying how awful it is to have dial up.You don't know what hardship is!"

You know what I say to those people? You, clearly, can't afford wireless broadband.You have my pity.

Holy crap I am SO screwed.

So part of this is probably my fault for not paying enough attention.
Turns out I have an in-class test tomorrow for Greek Society.
I had a look at the example questions my lecturer put online for us to practice and I realised that not only did I not recognise any of the terms in the "name these terms" sections, I looked at the essay questions and I have no idea what they are even asking.
Oh dear...

Because of my work contract with Access Radio, I wasn't able to attend lectures for the first few weeks of Uni and after that I was just horrendously lazy and in 6 weeks with 18 lectures I have been to about 5. I took notes in maybe 2.
I am SOOO screwed...

I'm currently debating the merits of going to sleep and hoping for the best vs staying up all night reading through the slideshows online, cramming as much information into my brain as will possibly fit without making me explode in a fire of doom and self inflicted despair.

I had a brief moment of joy today when I realised my essay for Roman History was finished and I actually had managed to write something half decent without mindlessly typing whatever words come to mind in some sort of semi-logical order.

My usual essay writing style is; put it off until the last minute, then, the night before it is due, stay up all night desperately trying to make some sort of sense out of the tragic excuse for notes I have scribbled on bits of paper which have no dates on them so have no sort of chronological order to them.

At some point I realise I have no idea what I'm writing about and it's probably just better to give up.But then I remember Wikipedia knows everything and a spark of light pierces my dark fury of senseless typing and I think maybe, just maybe I can do it.I start to read through any Wikipedia article that might have something to do with my essay question and try to just make up the word count anyway possible, absolutely shitting myself that I wont get it finished and I will fail the paper and never get my degree.

This would doom me to a life of working at somewhere like Woolworths or The Warehouse.
Then I will never be able to get a good salary so I wont be able to afford to move out of home or if I do I'll be stuck renting forever and wont be able to buy my own house and cos no sensible man worth marrying will ever want to marry a girl stuck renting for the rest of her life, I will never get married and be stuck as a spinster for the rest of my life.

This will make me very lonely so I will buy lots of cats and become a crazy cat lady, throwing cats at the school children who walk past my lawn on the way to school because I'm so jealous of them and their parent's abilities to buy a house and get married and procreate.

Then comes the school reunion, and having to face all my school friends who are working for the government or have their own law firm and they're all talking about they're graduation ceremonies and then they ask me where I finished my degree because they didn't see me around Uni after that time I did that paper I failed and then I say "Oh, I never graduated" and they try to be polite and act like they aren't horrified to be talking to a University drop out and ask as nicely and gracefully as possible "So, what are you doing with yourself these days?"

Just for shock value, and for a reason to leave, I'll reply something like "What am I doing with myself? Well, mostly disgusting, fetishist acts of self gratification while my 50 cats watch me cos my lack of a degree means I never got married and now I live by myself in a one bedroom flat.Which is good really because it means I don't have to pay much for heating, I just burn my own hair because I can't afford firewood."

This will then make everyone remove themselves from my presence and I'll be free to return home to my beloved fur babies.

Take note, New Zealand Department of  Education/Social Development. This is what you're doing to people. This is what you've doomed us to.

ps Yeah I totally kinda copied Allie Brosh's couch style with that picture, check her out! http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com

4000 listeners!WOAH!

blessed fornication on a savoury fornication snack Batman! (read as holy f*ck on a f*ck sandwich Batman!)

I just discovered my radio show had over 4000 international listeners!In one month!
Do you guys have any idea how many that is? THAT'S LIKE MORE THAN DOUBLE 2000!!!

 Let me back up a little here.

So at the end of 2009 I found myself ending the University year with no job to get me through till the next Trimester when I could once again live of my blessed student loan and student allowance. (Thanks NZ government for teaching me how to rack up 1000s of dollars in interest free debt by paying for things on the tax payers dollar!)
This caused slight issues, I have a horrendous addiction to seeing films in the cinema.This came about as a result of working in a cinema for 3 years.
 Now in America this seems to be looked down on as a fairly lowly proffesion but here in NZ our cinemas aren't trashy places where your foot sticks to the floor if you leave it there for more than 3 seconds. At least, Sky City wasn't, mostly because it was brand spanking new. I was one of the first lot of staff members to be hired before the grand opening. This was a pretty cool job while in high school and raised me from quirky weirdo who likes foreign films and anime to quirky weirdo who works in a cinema so is now cool for liking foreign films and anime.
3 years later I get fired for what appeared to be (but wasn't) theft.

This brings me back to the point of being at the end of my study year with no job. I spent the next 2 months living off tax free under the table one off jobs doing things like cleaning house for people who'd broken bones and couldn't reach the top counter or waitressing for Bat Mitvahs (freaking AWESOME gig btw).
Eventually I thought hey, I'm not working on Sunday mornings, why not start going back to church?
So I did just that.

My first day back at church I happened to sit in front of a woman married to a guy who currently works in Parliament doing sound for all their events and press conferences and used to work at Wellington Access Radio. She started talking about how they were looking for 3 people to fill 6 month contracts doing things like Promotions, Technical work and Youth Co-ordinator. I mentioned I used to volunteer at a local tiny radio station called Tha Rage (yes, they actually spelled 'the' as 'tha' cos it was 'hip') so she said to give her my cv and she'd pass it on. A couple weeks later she said they wanted to interview me for the Promotions position.
I went in for the interview, freaked out as I always do, went home feeling kinda freaked that I'd never be able to do half the stuff they asked.
A couple days later I got a call from the woman who interviewed me offering me the Youth Co-ordinators position saying I'd be doing all the same stuff I did at Tha Rage only better and more proffesional.

Naturally I accepted.

Just like that I went from no job and no life to producing 4 shows a week for a national radio station which also broadcasts intrernationally (depending which way the wind blows, oh the joys of AM frequency) and online.

I felt pretty chuffed about myself haha.

During my 6 months I spent every Monday to Thursday on air from 330 til 5 as well as recording the news and interviewing people and all the awesome stuff that goes into making a Yoth radio show.
I also got to train other people in how to do all the stuff required to make their own show should the urge arise.
I think my favourite part though was learning sound editing/engineering. In my spare time I'd muck round splicing songs andchangin round peoples' words from interviews to make them say utterly bizare things.
The whole tie I was on air though, I wondered whether anyone was actually listening. They say that for every person who contacts you on the show there's another 10 people listening too scraed/shy/lazy to do so.
By that logic I figured we had about 40 people listening each day.

I left Access as an employee on the 1st of August when my 6 month contract came to a close but offered to stay on as a volunteer coming in once a week to do the podcasting for all the shows.

Through this I leanred how to check the online stats for each show.

Through that I discovered that during the month of July, the Youth Zone show had over 4000 listeners tuning in online from around tha globe. That's JUST the people who listened online, we have no way of measuring the amount of people listening on their actual radios.

I just about shat myself when I saw the numbers!

I can't believe that so many people actually found me and my co-hosts entertaining and CHOSE to go to the website and tune in to our show by choice not just by accidentally coming across it while turning the dial on their radio! Woo!
This is seriosuly the most awesome news I've had in a long while.
Even more awesome than when I got an email from Sylvie at Little Noise Cosplay saying she was making me a custom made Blind Mag costume, and that was pretty earth stoppingly awesome.
If you ever feel like checking it out (insert shameless plug here!) the website is 
www.accessradio.org.nz/youth_zone.html   and
www.accessradio.org.nz/queer_zone.html    that's the only Queer Youth show in all of New Zealand, we're so proud!

The site's got podcasts of interviews and stuff and if you're on the site when we're on air you can listen to us live haha. I think if you're i the States it's around 12am? Well... in Idaho when it's 1130 pm Tuesday it's 4pm Wednesday in NZ so *shrug* work it out I guess?
Hope you guys enjoy it!

Jello shots are awesome!

Here's a shot from the awesome fun I had on Saturday night at Rose's house

Look at all those Jello shots! They were so super yum! Of course we had to drink 'em while listening to that gangster rap song where the guy says the word SHOTS around 50 times in the song and the idea is you're meant to do a shot for everytime he says it.We didn't quite manage that but hell we certainly cleared all those shots in very little time.

On to todays' post haha. Remember that essay I was avoiding which was half the reason I started this blog? Yeah I still have not even touched it. I have 10 questions to choose from, none of which particularly jump out at me so I asked Dad to help me out.
Now, my Dad barely passed high school. Back when NZ had "School Cert" you had to get 35% to pass and Dad got 38% so naturally he's not exactly an academic. You may be questioning my thought process when deciding to ask my Dad who barely passed high school to help me chose a question for my 2nd year university Roman History essay. All he had to do was pick a number between 1 and 10.

Me "Hey Dad, help me out here, pick a number between 1 and 10."
Dad "11."
Me "Um... no. Dad, 1 and 10, any number between 1 and 10.
Dad "seventytwelve"
Me "7012? 7012?! how the eff is 7012 a number between 1 and 10?!"
Dad "Well you confused me, how about 3?"
Me "3? OK let's go with 3"

You see what I'm dealing with here? Getting help with earning a degree in New Zealand is seriously tough business. He can wire up a house and name every engine piece in the Interislander ferry but he can't pick a number between 1 and 10 without having 3 goes.
If only all courses were as easy as the Greek and Roman drama assessment I did yesterday. We had the choice of a)going to a weekend workshop where we had to act out a 3-5 minute scene from an ancient play            
                 then write a one page rationale on why we did what we did
          or b) writing a 1500 word staging description.

3 guesses which one I chose?

So after being up all night drinking copious amounts of jello shots and 45 proof Absinthe with wormwood I then had a 40 minute walk in the rain to get to Uni by 11:45 am only to discover my fellow classmates waiting outside the locked door huddled under what little shelter was provided by window ledges and overhanging trees.Awesome. Finally our very German, very pregnant lecturer arrived and let us in because Security just couldn't possibly have done handled such a chore.
Lucky for me 3 of my friends happened to sign up for the same day and they'd already chosen which scene we would do which left us with the simple task of cutting lines and therefor required very little thinking on my part, yay!
The basic plot for the play our scene was from is this:
"Medea" Jason marries Medea, a foreigner (not intelligent in Ancient Greece)
Jason and Medea have 2 kids who, like Medea, are not citizens of Greece.
Jason is offered chance to marry a beautiful Princess which would then make his sons citizens as well as making him very rich, he takes the offer and says to Medea, "Baby, come live with me and you can be my lover instead of my wife."
Medea doesn't like this plan.
The day of the wedding she sends a gift to the Princess, a poisoned dress and golden coronet. These gifts set he Princess on fire and melt her flesh, killing her then when King Creon tries to help, he suffers the same fate.
(Start our scene here) A messenger tells Medea what happened and she says "Awesome, I planned the whole thing, now I'm going to kill my children" So she goes inside to do that.
Enter Jason struck with grief and horror, discovers Medea has murdered their sons and then an awesome face off between the two. Ended by Medea flying away on a chariot led by dragons.Cool.
Just imagine you're walking through the University on a Sunday afternoon and you see this:

 it was awesome fun.

Like my awesome red velvet toga? Haha yeah... and that thing I'm standing is a table with a sheet draped over it and some cardboard doors taped to the front.It's supposed to be a barn and I'm standing on the roof.

Don't knock it, we had 3 hours and only what we had on us to work with haha. I think we did pretty well.

Sadly Roman History is not so easy/enjoyable to study for. 

A sane person would've started on the essay a couple weeks ago. Clearly, I am not a sane person. My brain keeps telling me I'll be fine and I don't have to worry about it but at the same time part of me knows every minute I'm not working on it is making it harder for me. Sadly there is a much larger part of me going "You've got so much else to do!": write a blog post 

                                      dry the dishes 

                                     organise your fetish ball costume

                                     txt the guys about what's happening next weekend

                                    call venues about finding a place to host your 21st

                                    buy alcohol for above 21st

                                    tag photos from Saturday

                                   watch Der Koenig Der Loewe (The Lion King IN GERMAN!)

                                   draw pictures of stuff that happened on the weekend

                                   play with cat

                                   finish drawing pictures

that's Rose's room with all of us trying to sleep and not die of heat exhaustion. The little floor space that wasn't taken up by mattresses was taken up by clothes. It was so hot we all ended up removing everything but the bare minimum to keep heat and yet also exposure to a minimum.

As you can see, I got very little work done on my essay. Luckily a friend came to the rescue and help by writing the intro and conclusion for me yay! However I did manage to write a blog post for your enjoyment

Ducks are angry creatures.

Last night I was thinking about something to write today and I thought of an awesome in-joke that lead to the realisation (no spell check, that does not have a Z in it) of just how angry and perverted ducks are. It's true.

Before I get onto that, however, I have to grouch for a bit so bear with me, it gets better I swear.

So I think I mentioned in my first post that I'm a student? If not, Hi I'm a student! 

Studying involves writing these horrid things called essays. This involves writing 1500(ish) words about a topic which your lecturer already knows everything about, but wants you to regurgitate everything they taught you. This trimester I'm studying all Classics; Roman History, Greek Society & Greek and Roman Drama. These papers are fascinating but when it comes to essays you have to chose a question to write on (often the question itself is about 5 lines long) and you must then write 6 or 7 points about the question.

 This sounds easy BUT you also have to find like 2 sources for each of those points who had that idea before you did but at the same time you can't have stolen the idea from them cos that would be plagiarism. I have 10 questions to chose from for my Roman History essay which is due Friday 20th (it's currently Saturday 14th). I have decided today I will spend the whole day working on my  essay.I have yet to decide on a question.This is really hard when I start reading the question and by the time I get to the end of the question I've forgotten the first half of it. My family has a history of undiagnosed dyslexia and possibly ADD haha oooh dear just to prove it I misspelled dyslexia the first time heh.

But enough grumbling about my inability to read essay questions!

Ducks are angry creatures!

Next time you go to the local park, listening careful to the ducks in the pond.Because everyone has a local park and that park has a pond and that pond WILL be filled with ducks.

From birth we have the idea spoon fed to us that ducks are placid, cuddly creatures. Our little baby cardigans have duck shaped buttons and we have rubber ducky bath toys and little ducky plush toys and the list goes on.

THIS IS A CONSPIRACY AND HAS TO STOP!

Should probably give a little backs story here.

A couple weekends ago I was drinking with friends at their apartment. The next morning we decided it was an awesome idea to cram 5 hungover,energetic and over tired crazy people into one bed.Hilarity ensued.

Chris made the mistake of scratching his thigh under the blanket while pulling a face which gave the impression he was having an angry wank. I of course had to make a joke about this because, I mean, come on! Who wouldn't?! This then escalated into a huge in joke where anything sexual then became 'angry'

"Let's go get some cheeseburgers"

"Yeah, they're so tasty they make me angry"

You can only imagine, with childhood heros like the Hulk... we very quickly regretted our ability to make sexual innuendos out of the word 'anger'. Did this stop us? Hell no!

This then turned to everyday things like angry hobos on the bus and Blanket Man and that nun from the private school who was always angry about something...and ducks.

So you're back at the local park with the pond and the pond is full of ducks. Angry ducks. Listen very carefully to that noise they're making. I hear you say "What the hell is your point here we all know ducks say Quack you retard.This blog is bull" but, dear reader, you are wrong. For despite our parents/teachers/older person who tells us stuff when we're little's best efforts to shelter our innocent brains, once the truth is pointed out to us, it is impossible to ignore.

Those angry, perverted beasts are not saying Quack.Listen.Really listen, you'll hear it. 

What's that you say, Gemima Puddleduck? 

Wank? WANK?! You filthy bastards! 

I can guarantee you will never look at ducks the same. Those feathery rapey feral beasts are constanlty commanding you to commits acts of self gratification! All you parents who take your kids down to the park on your sunny days off to feed the "cute duckies" are only fueling the perversion! You are exposing your children to serious mental trauma that will screw them up for life and cause them to either spend all their money on Jolly Green Giants (Allie, I feel your pain) or a life time subscription to FHM, all in a desperate attempt to satiate their urges which were embeded in them at the young age from which they were exposed to ducks. 

Even Captain America can not withstand the ducks mental onslaught http://www.funnycorner.net/funny-pictures/4788/funny-demotivational-pictures/i-command-you-to-wank-.html

There should be a wonderful, funny way to bring this post to a close but there is not.This may make some readers angry (ba dum psh) but as anyone who has seen my academic essays can tell you, I suck at writing conclusions, this is why I never went into novel writing, I can never work out how to finish things.

So I merely encourage you to think twice next time you plan on taking a young child down to the local park with the pond full of ducks to look and the 'cute duckies' think long and hard about the implications.

hehe... long and hard... hehe

WANK

* Update* I made this picture to go with this post cos studying is for losers! REBEL!

Who misses being a pre-teen? I DO!!!

So I have no classes today. What a dilemma! Whatever shall I do?!
The answer, dear readers, is simple.
DISNEY DAY!!!!
Being born in 89 I was just the right age to appreciate Disney at it's best. The first film I ever saw in a cinema was The Lion King when I was 5(ish) in 94.
It.was.AWESOME! You know how, when you're little, your parents make you go to bed at some stupid hour like 8pm? Well Dad took me out to see The Lion King and the film started at like 630. When we came out of the cinema the sun had gone down and so it was dark outside and there were lots of big people and HOLY CRAP I WAS HANGING OUT WITH BIG PEOPLE AT NIGHT TIME!
I felt so grown up being out of the house in public at night time and the whole way home in the car I was singing the songs but you know how little kids don't quite hear things right? Yeah well I couldn't remember all the words so I just kind of made it up and it must've been awful because the memory of what I actually said has been permanently swiped off my mental slate as the child mind is so good at doing with traumatic experiences.
My Dad clearly got sick of me singing my made up lyrics so he eventually bought me the cassette (yes you read correctly, cassette) which then got stuck on repeat till I saw the next Disney film and started mangling those lyrics instead haha.
By some blessed miracle, our butchering of the amazingly epic Disney songs did not put Dad off them for life. Every year for our birthday we'd get taken to whatever Disney film was currently showing at the local cinema (RIP Hoyts 5) and then for Christmas we'd get that film on VHS haha.
Because of this we now have quite an extensive collecting of post-1990 Disney VHS films.

Be right back, Hunchback of Notre Dame just ended, time for The Lion King.

MY WORLD JUST ENDED. The Lion King is missing!
The case is there but it's empty... where the hell is the tape!!!

Ok...it's ok... just breath.Everything is going to be cool. We'll just have to pick another film instead. Anastasia.Not Disney but still pretty epic.
Also it's a perfect example of what I was just talking about. Anastasia came out in 99 and for my 10th birthday Dad took me to the movies and said we could watch a film of my choice.We'd already seen Anastasia but hey I was a little girl and it was a film about a girl who discovered she was a Princess, what more could I ask for? We bought tickets and went to the cinema. We were the fist ones to arrive and I spent the next 5 minutes runnig up and down each seat row debating which would gain me the most advantageous viewing point.The film started and we were still the only ones in the cinema.Freaking sweet. I did not remain in one seat for more than about 10 minutes. I changed seats faster than Quagmire changes sexual partners.
At one point I was sitting about 5 rows in front of Dad and I thought it was an awesome idea to sit on the back of the seat instead of in the seat causing my little curly head to block a tiny circle of the screen from his view.Excellent.Great Success.

Three guesses what video I got for Christmas =D It has written on the label "Jessica, Xmas '99"
hehe MINE!

On the next 3 day weekend I'm getting everyone I know together and we shall revive our childhoods in style with a non stop Disney marathon. When I say Disney, I mean pre-2005 non of this Hannah Montana, Jonas Brothers, High School Musical crap. I refuse to watch that rubbish. Disney in it's hay day with the epic hand drawn animated films with epic ballads and choral scenes and jizz-tastic scores.That is the stuff childhoods are REALLY made of

By the way apologies for how technically basic this blog is but I'm not exactly technically savy haha. I like to think this will weedle out the people attracted by all the flash and whizz-bang and leave the people who give a damn about what I write.
Hopefully you guys/gals get some humour or enjoyment out of it?

Till next time darlin's

*Update* just found Mulan which Dad gave to HIMSELF for Christmas and Hercules which Dad gave to my 2 brothers and I for Easter.Seriously?Easter?Who gives their kids a VHS for Easter?Apparently my Father. God Bless him

Oooh my very first blog post.Am I a big kid now?

So... this is Blogger huh?
Ok I have spent quite a bit of time on here reading other blogs like Sleep talkin' man and hyperbole and a half (i <3 Allie Brosh!) so I figured the next step is to start my own blog.
I've also noticed that most of my Facebook posts are waaaay to long and frequently go over the word limit which somewhat handicaps my ranting abilities and gave me the motivation to search out other online story telling mediums.
I can't promise I'll post regularly. I can't promise I'll write well. But I can promise it'll (mostly) be worth reading haha. I am paying back all the hours I spent on here wasting valuable study time reading other peoples blogs, now it's time to return the favour.
May my words be your procrastination tools =)
Erm perhaps a wee intro would be good?
Well, I'm 20 living in New Zealand studying towards a Bachelor of Arts degree.Just finished a 6 month job at a radio station which was awesome fun and am currently putting most of my study effort into job and flat hunting.
yeah... I'm sure there's more important stuff to know but you'll pick that up along the way I figure.


OH! explanation of the blog title? Yeah...
I may possibly just slightly be a huge Whovian (for all you non-whovians and ignorant people, that's a Doctor Who fanatic)
The term "the slow path" comes from the episode in which the Doctor meets Madame Du Pompadore aka Rennette Poissant (sp?) by entering her time period through doors in a spaceship 4000 years into Renette's future. She comments that he is able to jump through time never aging and she is stuck on the slow path,waiting.
It seemed fitting, here I am on the slow path traveling in time but in a very linear sense as opposed to whizzing about the "wibbly wobbly ball of timey wimey stuff" in a Police Box that's smaller on the outside.
the 89 just comes from the fact I was born in 89 haha

There were many potential names but I chose this one as it seemed the most.... poetic?maybe? I don't know. Seemed better than something like "IwishIwereatimelord.blogspot.com" haha

I think I'm going to stop it here for today. But know that there is more to come.Much more. Epic stories of my mishap of a family and my nutcases for friends and my confusing love life and all that jazz!
Did I mention I'm also a huge musicals geek?
n_n till next time!